What I’ve Learned From Working Domestic Violence Calls

The very first call with my field training officer as a new cop was a domestic violence call. One of the maintenance men at an apartment complex witnessed a tenant outside of the building slap his wife. I was fresh out of the academy and I have been trained by, who I believe to be, the best detective specializing in interrogation. On the way, I was going through the notes through my head, and I was confident that if this man assaulted his wife, I would be able to get him to tell me exactly what happened. This was a good call for me to finally apply what I have learned. The techniques that I have been trained in would be finally put to the test.

We got to the apartment and I observed a man pacing back and forth, obviously disturbed, in front of the apartment building. I also looked over and saw the maintenance man sitting on a bucket taking a break. He started pointing over in the man’s direction. Okay, Cravey, this is the time to show your Field Training Officer you know what you are doing. Here goes.

I approached the man and said, “Good morning sir. What’s going on?” He turned, looked at me for a few seconds, then blurted out, “I just hit my wife. Now I need to go to jail!!” WOW!! I didn’t know I was that good. Seriously, he threw me for a loop and I stood there stunned. That was when my Field Training Officer yelled at me and said, “He just told you that he hit his wife. Put him in F#@&^%! cuffs!!!!” When it got to court, the defense attorney attempted to prove that I was lying in court when I testified that the defendant actually said these words. The judge shut him down really quick, him obviously witnessing stranger things come before his bench.

Since that time, I have worked hundreds of domestic violence calls. Over time, I have discovered a number of common denominators when it came to wife and girl friend batterers. Even though each call has been different, the mannerisms, rhetoric, and claims made by these men, for the most part, have been eerily similar.

Let me first put forth a disclaimer: I have had little psychology education and training and I will not attempt to put myself out there as an expert in this field. You can look up different specialists and doctors who will explore more into the psychological roots and causes to make the men who they are. They may delve into his childhood and find that he was a victim of abuse himself and he is just perpetuating the chain of violence. If you want to know more about that, this is not the article you want to read. I am only going on my personal observations and what these battered women have shared with me about the men they once loved.

I will also reveal that it was not only the man I arrested. Yes, women can be guilty of domestic violence as well. The difference between the two offenders, usually, is that the man abuses out of insecurity and a need to control. The female will attack out of jealousy, betrayal and hurt feelings. That is not true in all cases, but is a general synopsis. Today, since the predominant aggressor is typically the male, we will now focus on his demeanor and actions, starting at the beginning:

Initial meeting and dating–Upon meeting this man, the woman observes that he is charming, seemingly interested in her as a person, and is very generous to her. He will shower her with gifts to the point that she is constantly getting flowers, candy, and cards coming to her at work and home. He will call her several times a day, just to tell her that he was thinking about her. They will go on dates at least three times a week and he will be completely obsessed with her. He also constantly asks if she feels the same way. This will occur very soon in the relationship. My wife, Vicky, informed me that this technique is called “Love Bombing”.

You might say, “Whoa!! Time out, Cravey!! If only I could get my man or husband to be at least half that interested and involved with me, I would be ecstatic!! What’s wrong with that?” Nothing, if that is how the man is genuinely. Yet, in many obsessed men, there is an underlying agenda. It is much less courting, but more like fishing. He sets his lure, waiting for her to take the bait. That’s when he has his hook in her.

HIs establishment of her as his property: Soon after, he will remind his girl that she belongs to him. A lot of romantic songs use that same terminology, but the way he truly means it is that she is his possession, his property, if you will. Oh, he will shroud it in phrases, like, “You’re all mine and I love you so much”. He may mark her as his by giving her jewelry, clothes he wants her to wear, and even as far as getting a tattoo of his name on her. The jewelry maybe a ring, a watch, or earrings she should always want to wear. He will tell her that he is doing what he is doing in order to protect her, again because he loves her. He will start to show his anger slightly when she does things that don’t involve him. In his mind, no one should get more, or any, attention from her than him.

His obsession of her location, what she is doing and who she is with: He is now constantly calling her, and angry if she doesn’t pick up, even at work. When he does find out where she’s at, he will unexpectedly show up, or he will hide in the background, watching to see if she talks to another man, gets physically close to another man, touches another man (even a harmless pat on the back) and laughs with another man. Later, he will want to know who that man is and discourage her from talking with him again. He will tell her he knows how men are (uh, yeah), and that he will try to take advantage of her, again telling her that he is trying to protect her. His anger gets more pronounced with “violations of trust” he sees in her.

His control of her is growing–At this time he urges her to quit her job, or any activity that does not involve him. He will tell her that he will provide for her and that she can be completely dependent on him for all her needs (her needs will be eventually dictated by him). He will also pressure her to move in with him, or he will insist on moving in with her. Or, if he is unemployed (which sometimes does happen), he will move in with her and assume what she makes to be his since he is protecting and loving her, when no one else will.

He will demean her and chip away at her self esteem–As I wrote above, he will tell her that no one else would love her like him because she is not worthy of love. He is just being the compassionate man he is. She should feel lucky to have met him, or without him, she would be, for the rest of her life, alone and miserable. He now demands that she thinks of him all the time, waits on him all the time, and will only make herself look pretty when she goes out with him. He will also insult and make fun of her in public and in front of his friends. Her secrets will be revealed and she will be humiliated. He will start to call her names as a way to establish her identity.

Full control is now established— If it hasn’t happened as of yet, physical abuse is now common. When he assaults her, as with a slap across the face, for the first time, he soon becomes apologetic. He will bring in flowers and gifts and tell her something like, “I am so sorry for slapping you, but you make me so crazy when you do those things. It’s only because I love you.” With the so-called apology, he once again throws the blame in her face. She is now being programmed that if he hits or beats her, it is her fault, and her fault alone. She should have known better.

She now has to get permission to go out to the grocery store, to church, out with her friends, and so forth. Her family and friends begin this one on one intervention with her to get to see what he is doing to her. They notice a change in her demeanor, how many times he calls when she is with them, a bruise on her face when she walks into a door, and so forth. He detects that her family and friends are attempting to interfere, and he demands she cut off contact with them. After all, they are jealous and they don’t want her to be happy. This is true love, and no one will destroy it.

She is now mandated to be obedient— If I could speak with my fellow Christian men, and those who do not adopt this particular faith, if you would, you may move to the next paragraph where I am more general, I would appreciate your forbearance.

We ‘men of the Faith” are so hung up on Ephesians 5:22 where it states: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands…” (KJV). We may cast it in their face that they are to obey us in everything, the Bible says. If you don’t, you are disobeying the Bible, therefore you are disobeying God. We do this because even though we call ourselves Christian, we may have that same narcissistic thinking that all other men have that batter women. We will omit the last part of the verse that says, “…as unto the Lord.” Tell me, Christian husband, how much are you like God in your love to your wife. You do know that the Bible only tells men to love their wife and not the other way around, because to a woman it comes naturally. However, are you loving like God is? Does God make you do things you don’t want to do, or does he allow you to pray and understand what his will is? Does God make you a slave and devoid of free will? Does He beat you when you disobey, or lovingly allow you to eventually come back to him. If we treated our wives as God has treated us, she will feel like she is a queen and very few women would not want to submit themselves to a husband like that. Stop misusing Bible Scripture to justify your horrendous treatment of your wife.

Okay, for the rest of you, I am back again. The woman in this abusive relationship must submit to all of his demands, whether it is waiting on him hand and foot, whether it is sexual in nature, (rape and degrading acts are commonplace) even down to her personal possessions and hygiene. All decisions for her will be made by him and she just has to get with the program. After all, she does not have the ability to know what is best for her, he does. At this point, she has no will of her own.

Abuse escalates to the point law enforcement becomes involved– Usually the abuse is either by a third party witness, or the woman becomes desperate and reaches out for help. Many times when police arrive at the home, the woman is an emotional wreck and the male is composed, respectful and cooperative (seemingly). In a scenario I have been to more than once, he will tell the officer she needs help. She’s crazy and bipolar. All of a sudden, for no reason, she “just went off” and scratched him on the face and the neck. He will show the officer the wounds he has received. He will be very vague about the details, saying it all happened so fast.

After the woman calms down, she will go into detail what caused it, the argument that ensued because of it, and literally blow by blow what took place. She will say that he grabbed her, threw her on the floor or bed and held her there for a time. You will see bruises on her upper and forearms. If you are a very observant officer, you will take the scratches of his neck and face to be defensive wounds of the woman trying to get him off of her. Officers that are reading this, I do understand that the woman can be the predominant aggressor. Having said that, just because the man has more injuries on him does not make her so. Yes, she is emotional, but that does not mean she is wrong. Don’t be taken in by the disguise of innocence from the man. If you determine that man is much bigger and stronger than the woman, you need to ask yourself, and then him, why didn’t he just walk away. He will tell you he was holding her down so that she didn’t hurt herself or him. Yet, he could have walked out that door. Why didn’t he? It is because even though he knows that the police are on the way, he wants to control her to the very end.

If this continues, the woman can expect he will eventually kill her— Some guys will think I am being overly dramatic. However, if you read the progression of the synopsis I have just put out, you must realize it is a progression. If it continues unchecked, the man will intentionally, or even unintentionally, end her life. Doesn’t matter, since either way she is in the ground. If you don’t think this happens often, why do you think that detectives, when called to a suspicious death of a spouse, they first look at the surviving spouse as a person of interest? It is because this happens more times than what we would like to admit. Think about it. Over half the marriages of today will end in a divorce on the morrow. The rest will end in death. It is how the spouse died that is of concern.

I will end this article with a true story that I may have placed in one of my past articles, or one that I have written but yet not placed on the site yet.

I was dispatched to this nice suburban home by an eight year old boy. He was fed up with his 11 year old brother always beating him up and wanted police to arrest him. When I knocked on the front door, I met the complaining party. He then began demanding that I come in and arrest his 11 year old brother. I told him that I needed to speak with his parents. This is how this conversation went:

Me: Young man, I do need to speak with your parents.

Boy: My father has gone to the grocery store.

Me: Then I need to speak with your mother.

Boy: No, you don’t. I’m the man of the house, you need to speak with me.

Me: Be that as it may, for me to do anything, I need to speak with her.

Boy: (looking ticked off for a few seconds) Mom!! Get your a$$ out here, The cop needs to talk with you!!

I was first stunned, and then thought I better turn my head before I witnessed an old fashioned whooping when she came from the kitchen. But, that never happened. Not a word about how he spoke to his mother, not even a look.

Mother: (from the kitchen) Okay, honey, I’m coming.

At that time, my backup came and I wanted to separate the boy from his mom so that I could speak to her. I did tell her why I was there, and she very timidly said that “Boys will be boys” and started apologizing for him calling us. Still, I felt like I still needed to talk to her.

Me: Ma’am, I’m going to have the officer speak with your son here, can you step to the driveway and speak with me there?

At that time, a look of absolute horror came across her face. I knew something was wrong, so I had the officer take the boy to the driveway to speak with him. When the officer did so, I continued in hushed words:

Me: Ma’am, is there a reason you were disturbed when I asked you to step to the driveway?

Mother: Yes, because I thought you would arrest me for disobeying your order.

Me: Well, it was only a request, but why wouldn’t you do that anyway?

Mother: Because he will be back from the grocery store any minute.

Me: Are you talking about your husband?

Mother: (noticeably trembling) Yes. he would kill me if he saw me outside.

I spoke with her further and discovered for the last five years, she had not been outside of the home–not to church, not to the grocery store, not to the PTA at her son’s school, not to visit family or friends, not to anywhere. He demanded she stay imprisoned in their home and take care of the home and their kids. Her husband told her that she is not to discipline the boys, that is his job. As a matter of fact, she is to do exactly what her boys tell her to do because when he is away, she must obey them, being the men of the home (hence the boy’s statement and the mother’s reaction to it).

I told her that since she is not telling me of any recent physical abuse from him (since she told me that he hasn’t hit her since she had been a good girl for a while), that I couldn’t intervene. However, I told her she needs to find neighbors, family or friends to help her get herself and her kids out from this abusive situation. She told me that when her family told her it was abusive, she thought they were just trying to keep her from being happy. Now, since I told her the same thing, she started thinking I may be right. About that time, she abruptly slammed the door in my face as I heard the husband/father pull up in the driveway. As all abusers are with law enforcement, he was very cordial and respectful when asking, “Officers, may I help you?” I explained why we were called and he said with a smile, ” Well, boys will be boys. I’ll take care of it from here. Thank you so much, officers, for checking up on my family.” As I was turning to my vehicle and he was turning toward the front door, I saw out of the corner of my eye his smile go away and a look of irritation come upon his face. I definitely prayed for that woman that day.

Three months later, I get dispatched to a man waiting at the precinct to speak with an officer. I brought him inside and we sat in the conference room. He was beside himself with concern.

Man: Officer, I am so worried. I came home from work and my wife and boys are gone.

Me: Well, couldn’t they be at the grocery store or at visiting a family member?

Man: No. She never likes going outside of the house. I think they have been kidnapped.

That is when it clicked. The smiling man in the driveway. I didn’t let on that I recognized him.

Me: Did she have any friends she may be with now?

Man: Well, as soon as I found out she left, I searched the house and found this list of women that she had stuck in the pocket of her robe.

Me: (Looking at the list and phone numbers) Did you call these women to see if they saw your family?

Man: Yes, no one has seen her.

Me: Sir, do you mind if I try?

Man: Please officer, whatever you think best.

So I left him in the conference room and I sat down in the officer work room and called each woman. All said they hadn’t seen her until I called the last one. I did ask her if she had seen the woman and the two boys. She told me that she wouldn’t say anything because, even though she MAY have lied to her husband, she wan’t going to lie to an officer. I then told her that IF, and only IF she is there, tell her that this was Officer Cravey that encouraged her to flee the abusive situation. In five seconds, she got on the phone and exclaimed, “I did it Officer Cravey, I did it!! I’ve got the boys and I am going to go back home with my family. He has no idea where they live and those women you called were neighbors that have assisted me in getting away.” After congratulating and commending her getting away from that nightmare, I asked to speak to the woman. When the woman got on, I told her that she needed to get her and her boys out of her house now. He will find out where these woman live and will begin to look for her tonight. She told me that she has a friend in another city that can put her up for the night, and all of the women pitched in and bought them plane tickets for the next day to where her family is. I knew that this woman still had a long road ahead of her, but at least now she can help build her relationship with her original family and her boys.

So, I went back to speak with this man.

Me: Sir, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I have found out where your family is and they are doing fine.

Man: (with feigned relief) Really? Thank you officer, where are they?

Me: You see, sir, that’s the bad news. I am not telling you.

Man: (now showing his true self) What did you just say?? You have to tell me!! That’s my wife and my boys you’re speaking of!! I demand you tell me right now!!

Me: No sir. She is an adult that is capable of taking care of her children and since you don’t have a court-mandated child custody arrangement being that you are still married, she can legally disappear with the kids.

Man: (of course he is now letting expletives fly of which I will spare you) I will have your badge!! I demand to speak with your supervisor!!

So, I went to go get my sergeant, who had already left his office because he had heard the yelling and wanted to make sure I was okay. I briefed him on the situation and he followed me to the conference room. The man, face red and fuming, demanded that the sergeant make me divulge the location of his family. He told him that after I had briefed him on the abuse he was causing his family, if I had told him where his family was, he would terminate me on the spot. That man left vowing to have both of our jobs. We have never heard from him since.

I haven’t heard back from the woman and her boys. I pray that they made it.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, there are people that can help you. You can call your local police or call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-799-7233. Don’t delay.

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BE ABLE TO DEFEND YOURSELF FROM YOUR ABUSER