These stories are 100% true and they fall under the category “You can’t make this stuff up”. These events either happened to me or to some of my fellow officers. I hope you enjoy!
On one overnight shift, dispatch gets a call from a frantic lady. She informed us that two dogs were in distress in her front yard. When asked what was going on, she said, ” Well, I woke up to the dogs yelping and I looked out my bedroom window. And there those poor dogs were. They appear to be glued together and they try and try, but they can’t pull themselves apart!” Since this was two in the morning, and our animal control worked bankers hours, I was dispatched to go speak to this lady and see what I could do (I hear some snickers, don’t get ahead of me).
So, I’m speaking to this lady at the door. She informed me just before I got there, they were successful in getting unstuck from each other, bless their hearts, and have already left. I asked her, “Ma’am, did it appear that one dog was kinda on the back of the other dog and they were both facing the same direction?” She replies, “Well, yes! How did you know?” I asked, “Ma’am, are you married?” Bewildered, she comes back, “What does that have to do with…..WAIT A MINUTE!! THEY WERE DOING THAT??!!” I continued, “It is my belief that it was not the goal of those two dogs to completely dislodge themselves but until after they finished”.
I can’t help but believe that if that lady’s parents would have sat her down at a much earlier age and had a frank conversation with her, a 911 call could have been averted.
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While working the day shift, I was assigned a female recruit who was allowed to do a ride-a-long to see what happens on a typical shift (if there is such a thing) of a police officer. She was waiting on going to the academy and she was eager to see first hand what police officers do.
Shortly after breaking roll call, we get dispatched to a domestic assault situation with another officer (those calls require two officers and my ride-a-long didn’t count). When we got there, I instructed her to stay in the vehicle until the other officer and I made sure the scene was secure. Once we got both parties separated, I went back to my vehicle and allowed her to come inside the house. This was a very good scene for her to cut her teeth on.
We had this married couple where the wife had taken a gander at the husband’s phone and noticed some spicy texts from his ex-girlfriend on it. They commenced to argue and the husband became furious and punched his wife in the mouth. His wife ended up getting stitches on her lip in the emergency room whereas I did arrest the husband on the charge of domestic assault. While I was cuffing him, he blurted out, “Officer, you got to hear my side of this!!” I told him that once we get him down to the precinct, I’ll be all ears.
So, when we got down to the precinct, I read him his Miranda Warnings (I know some of you think I should have done it when I was cuffing him at his house. You might want to read my blog Miranda Warnings (Rights)–Exposing the Myths to get clarification). There was a cover form that I allowed the suspect to fill out while we were organizing the other documents needed for his statement. On this cover form, it had fields where his name, address, phone number, social security number, etc. were placed. At the bottom of this form, there were two legal questions: How far did you go in school? and Can you read and write? After he completed the form, without looking at it too well, I placed it with the other papers and I commenced to question him and hear his confession.
So, when we were at the Magistrate’s Office, we had our arrestee sitting on the chair behind us and we were standing at the window waiting for the magistrate to finish a video bond hearing he was conducting in his office. In the meantime, my ride-a-long asked me if she could read the documents while we were waiting. I said sure, handing her over the files. About two minutes passed and she immediately began to convulse in restrained laughter. I looked at her like, “What?” She pointed down to the question, “How far did you go in school?” This brainiac answered, ” About 2-3 miles.” The real purpose was to find out how much education the individual had. The distance he had to walk or ride the bus to school each day, not so much. Hey, in all fairness, 2-3 miles? Yeah, that’s probably as far as he got.
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This event actually occurred just before I went to the police academy but was told to me by one of the officers after I graduated. It seems that in the wee hours of the morning, an old television repair place (for some of you youngsters, we used to have televisions that looked like boxes) had been broken into. Someone had kicked in the backdoor, set off the alarm but absconded before officers could arrive. The owner, who arrived after being notified, informed the officers that only a television set he was working on had been taken.
So the officers called for the forensic unit and detective to process the scene. Two officers left one officer at the business for security while they left the back door of the business to see if they could locate the suspect. With all of the knowledge these two officers had in tracking suspects, they couldn’t have been in better shape if they had a K-9. They pooled their skills and knowledge together and were ready to go find this thief no matter what. I heard it was an awesome thing to behold. They immediately went across the street, went through several backyards, over a couple of chain link fences and over another road until they eventually got to the back yard of this house in particular and knocked on the back door. Amazingly enough, there was the suspect who opened the door with the television sitting on the floor behind him. Their exceptional tracking talents didn’t let them down.
As the officers were cuffing the young man and trying to refrain from laughing at him, he blurted out, “How did you guys know where to find me??” They took him out and pointed toward the ground. Well, you see, before this young man left his home to commit this burglary, it had just snowed. So when the officers left the store, the only two sets of boot prints that marred this otherwise virgin snowscape were the suspect’s boot prints from the back door of his home to the business, and his boot prints leaving from the business returning to his back door.
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One night a condo owner in a recently built affluent housing area called dispatch complaining that when she left her condo, she accidentally left her garage door up and a raccoon was seen inside when she arrived back. She immediately closed her garage door to trap it and wanted animal control to come and get it.
Since this was about 2 am., and that our animal control division worked bankers hours, dispatch requested me to respond to see what was needed. I really had issues on why this resident would think that trapping this animal was the best decision. I immediately called back dispatch and had her call that lady back and tell her to raise her garage door while I headed her way.
When I got there, I observed the garage door was up, as requested. I deployed my Asp baton and started tapping the boxes and cabinets around the walls of the garage, basically anywhere this critter could still be hiding. When I was satisfied it had left, I knocked on the inside door that led to the kitchen. The lady appeared at the door and I told her, “You can close the garage door after I leave. The raccoon is no longer in the garage.” With a frustrated look on her face, she complained, “Well, that’s because you had your dispatch lady tell me to raise up the door!” Confused, I asked, ” Ma’am, what did you expect me to do with the raccoon?” She replied, confused that I didn’t know what she considered to be the right answer, “Well, of course, to take the animal to the forest away from here. It doesn’t belong in a residential area.” I didn’t know it for sure, but I suppose she must have lived in a very urban area before moving here.
C’mon Cravey, keep it together. Remain professional, I kept trying to tell myself. I began educating this lady by saying, “Ma’am, whether you believe in the Creation explanation of the beginning of the world, or you believe this earth came about from evolution, from the beginning of time, throughout all those thousands or millions of years, where you’re living now was the raccoon’s home. That is, until about 16 years ago. This area was nothing but swamp land until developers came in, cleared the land and forced the wildlife into the woods around the housing developments. These critters will come out at night into the neighborhoods mostly looking for food. Uncovered trash cans and opened doors are invitations to them.”
A look of horror came across her face, “Wait a minute, you said wildlife. You mean to tell me that there are other wild animals around here??!!” I replied, “Of course. I’ve seen deer…” She interrupted, “Awe, I like deer!” “Well, ma’am, I’ve also seen foxes, o’possums, coyotes, bobcats, and there is also a bear or two out here. I’ve personally witnessed them knocking over trash cans in the early mornings.” I lost her after “deer”. It looked like she was about to have a panic attack. Exasperated, she frantically blurted out, “Why didn’t the builders first round up all the animals and bring them to a forest so they would be happy and we wouldn’t have to deal with these scary beasts?!” (Again, Cravey, remain professional) Ma’am, I have only heard of one man that did that, but on a limited scale, since he could only carry so many animals in his ark!”
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I was dispatched on Saturday afternoon to a domestic disturbance called in by a next door neighbor. It seems that there was a lot of loud arguing and the sounds of things being thrown inside the home. I arrived and started walking up to the door where a female had the storm door open a little. At that time, I heard my partner’s vehicle come pulling up across the street and I expected him to get out of his cruiser and assist me in the investigation.
As I was speaking with the lady, who told me that everything was fine and that the male had already left, I realized my partner was still sitting in his cruiser. The more I spoke with this lady alone on the front porch, the more aggravated I got that he was so lazy since he had no idea what was going on yet. I mean, two units are dispatched to domestic violence calls for a reason. After being satisfied that there had not been any abuse occurring (only verbal arguing), I left a domestic violence pamphlet with her, told her to call us if he comes back and creates problems again, and then I turned back to return to my vehicle. I was fuming at the time so when I got close, I put my hands up, like, “What the fudge?” (there’s another one of those Christian cuss words). It was at that time, he unrolls his driver window, and pleads, “Officer Cravey, don’t come any closer. When I was responding here, well, um, I thought I had to fart. Now I have to go home, clean up and change.”
It must have been a curious sight if that lady and, perhaps, her neighbors would have been looking out their windows and, while the other officer was pulling away, seeing me bent over my trunk convulsing like I was either crying or laughing. I was doing both.
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One Saturday morning, I was running a speed measurement detail (radar) on N. Main St just at the entrance of a cemetery when I observed an old beat up Ford traveling into a busy shopping district at 52 mph in a 35 mph zone. Always up and ready to make new friends and influence people, I threw on my howdy lights and my siren inviting the motorist for a chat. As she was pulling over, I observed her license plate showed expired registration, and a brake light was out. When I got out of my cruiser I also noticed an expired rejection sticker (rejected for bad brakes and bald tires). She wasn’t wearing a seat belt and when I asked her for her license, she complained that she was suspended. My hand started cramping with just the realization I was going to be writing a novel on her.
Since I was very curious, I asked, ” Ma’am, with all these things wrong with your license and vehicle, why would you cause attention to yourself with your speed?” With the most genuine and serious face, she replied, “You don’t understand, officer. I am late for my driver improvement class.”
Yeah, that definitely didn’t go over too well with the judge. Even though she did go, the judge said that wouldn’t help her since she was in no frame of mind to learn anything from it.
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Just to show you it’s not only the citizens that have these bonehead moments, this is one about a fellow officer:
I had just finished a long evening shift when I was driving my take home cruiser home, when about 1:30 am I heard dispatch on the radio send officers to Oak St. where one of the neighbors witnessed a white male walking down the road naked. Chuckling to myself, I was glad to be going home instead of having to deal with that. You go, guys!
After about a minute, I heard one of the officers marking out in the area looking for this individual and he asked something of dispatch that almost made me put my cruiser in the ditch with laughter. He goes, “Yeah dispatch, I’m 10-9 in the area. Do you have any further description on this subject?” Hey buddy. Need further description, do you? Is there more than one white male walking down the street naked? If so, remember to utilize the three C’s of law enforcement in these types of situations: Cuff, Cover, and Call for backup.
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I was running a speed measurement detail (radar) in a school zone. We were having citizens complaining of the excessive speed of the motorists going by the school. Soon after the flashing lights of the school zone started flashing, I observed a vehicle blowing by the school going 38 mph. The school zone was 25 mph. School zones are those I do not play with. You go over 5 mph in a school zone, you get pulled, and you get my autograph right beside yours on the summons.
When I walked up to the driver side window, I noticed a little girl in the front seat. She had a seat belt on but looked quite young. When I asked the motorist, who I assumed was her father, how old she was, realizing he should have had her in the car seat in the back, he replied, “Oh, she’s eight years old.” At that time, the little girl crossed her arms with a stern look, blurted out, “UH UH, DADDY. I’M FIVE!!” I guess that will teach him to lie in front of or about his daughter.
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I was a Field Training Officer with a newly sworn officer riding with me getting his street instruction while working the overnight shift. Coming out of roll call, we were tasked with bringing a psychiatric patient to Staunton, VA which was about a four hour trip one way. Usually, the rookie would be driving the whole shift, but since this was a long trip, I took pity on him, and decided to share the driving with him. I asked him if he wanted to drive on the way up there, or on the way back. He opted for the former. I told him that, because this was a long trip, the passenger’s job was to engage in conversation with the driver to keep him alert and everyone safe.
So as I settled into the passenger seat, I began quizzing him concerning what he learned in the Police Academy and what he has learned from myself, as well as from other FTOs. I would also tell him stories of what has happened to me during my career (maybe one or two of the former funny stories were included) and I engaged him constantly during the four hours we were heading to Staunton. I tried not to allow any pauses in our conversation. So, finally we arrived.
After dropping off the patient, we returned to the cruiser and, keeping my promise, I climbed into the driver seat. He was sitting in the passenger seat and we left Staunton heading back to Suffolk, VA. At the beginning, we had a conversation going regarding certain elements of crimes and he asked me a question regarding that. It was sort of a complex one, so I started rattling off the information, which took several minutes to do. When I was about finished, I started to hear snoring. (Ok, sometimes I tend to drone on which causes some who suffer from my banter to get sleepy, but this was the entire purpose of keeping us both alert.)
I stopped speaking and I heard the snoring getting louder. I said out loud (but not loud enough to wake him), “So this is the way it’s going to be, is it? Ok, I’ll fix you.” I waited until we were on a stretch of highway where there were no houses but just corn fields. There were no other vehicles around so I would not alarm or disturb anyone outside the cruiser. All of a sudden, I slammed on brakes and uttered the loudest and most blood curdling scream I could. At that time, my rookie woke up screaming, attempting to climb backwards over his seat. We didn’t have any other conversations the whole way back, except him mumbling from time to time, “That ain’t right.” But throughout the rest of his time with me in field training, he never again fell asleep while riding in the passenger seat. But you’ve heard what goes around comes around? In a few years, he became my sergeant. Now it was my time to mumble that ain’t right.
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Now, this story is not from when I was a police officer, but it was one I remembered throughout my entire career concerning those under the influence of alcohol. Many times, the story ends tragically, either them killing someone while driving, or them walking out into traffic and getting hit by a vehicle. So a funny one is a nice relief.
This was when I was a 16 years old working at a major grocery store. I was working on the weekend so I was the last employee one night besides my manager just before closing. I observed a male come into the store with glass eyes and staggering. I alerted my boss in his office about the individual. He told me to shed my vest and see where he went. I ran to the back and saw him over at the wine department. While standing on the corner of an aisle, I witnessed the gentleman take a bottle of wine, look around to see if anyone was watching, and place it inside his jacket. It was pretty obvious he was concealing something there. As he headed to the front of the store, I was following him and I got the eye of my manager who was now standing in front of the registers. . I made gestures with my hands and arms that told him he was concealing something in his jacket. He walked past my manager and when he went about 15 feet away, my manager yelled, “HEY YOU!!” The man stopped, and very gingerly put the bottle of wine on the ground, and then started for the door. Even at 16, I wanted to catch this guy. When I went to run after him, the manager ordered, “NO!” I looked at him bewildered as I saw the man go through the inner set of automatic doors. He made no attempt to run after him. I then heard a WHAM!!! My manager smiled and said, “I locked the front automatic doors. Let’s go pick him up off the floor.”
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